An odd, scattered background

I’d always had a drawing to the variety that this planet has to offer. To the places unseen, to adventures I hadn’t yet taken.

From a young age I had a fascination with the ocean and the elements, and truth is I’ve always had many passions. Having one dream or goal never seemed enough to me, not in a need to do more than everyone else way either. There were just so many things you could do, so much to see, to learn.

It was long ago that fell in love with an odd sort of writing. I actually dreaded english class throughout school, but simply picking up some paper and scribbling words seemed natural to me. For as long as I could remember, I’d reach for a sheet of paper and write how I felt, write little thoughts or hopes. I’d write my about my sadness and happiness, about the discussions in chem class, about where I thought I’d be in life. I did this most when I felt a lot; inspiration, sadness, joy, fear. But most of the time I’d throw them into a fire pit or recycling bin because I didn’t want people to read them.
I was afraid to live out loud.
That people would judge me.
I was probably a pre-teen when this started and this post is the first time I’ve mentioned it to anyone that I hadn’t known my entire life.
And while I fell in love with this “weird writing,” I found I loved it most at thirty thousand feet up. There’s a sense of inspiration in sitting at a window seat watching clouds pass by. Seeing the cities or mountains below. It’s pure magic.
I hadn’t taken my first flight alone until I took off to Tampa though. I was eighteen. It was where had I planned to study marine biology for four years, and though at the time it was really hard, I gained a lot from it. It’s when I began attending yoga classes and when I started to realize what the hell was wrong with me.
I couldn’t consider one place to be home. It made no sense.
In the same way I couldn’t choose one single passion or dream.
I called my mom a lot, cried nearly every day that semester… but there was one thing I said to her that I’ll never forget. This crazy far-fetched-light-bulb moment.
As I was beginning to pack up to come home after my one semester of trial and error I remember having a lightness in my voice, a lightness in my heart… the same feeling I get when I let out a tear in savasana or see an incredible ocean view for the first time.
I was on the phone with her and I said, “I wish I could do this every semester, to go somewhere new, to meet new people, to experience everything this world has to offer.”
At the time I knew it was a long shot. I knew that I sounded completely ridiculous, that I’d go back home to Buffalo and wouldn’t know what to do with myself because I had now said it.
I had now tasted the freedom of  walking a city alone.
I had now known was it was like to see somewhere new.
To exist around new people.
To see just a sliver of that variety I was always drawn to.
And all I wanted was more.
I just wanted to wander.

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